Reflections & Insight

4 Things Never To Say After a Divorce

(taken from the Huntington Post)

Most days, our inner critics tend to fill our heads with all the ways in which we are failing and falling short. Add the ending of a relationship, and it’s like your inner critic just got carte blanche access to an all-you-can-eat smorgasbord full of misery inducing opinions about you, your life and your former relationship.

If you don’t catch this nasty voice in time, it can keep you reeling for days — filling your head with stories that may feel true, but really are just a figment of your mind. While you may not be in control of your former significant other, you are in control of the stories that you let run through your mind. Fill your mind with misery-creating stories — the kind your inner critic loves to feed on — and you will begin to feel more miserable. Or, trade in the self-sabotage for self-empowerment, and you’ll feel peace instead of distress. And let’s face it, during and after a divorce, you need all the peace you can get.

So do yourself the favor and banish the following misery-creating statements and stories from your mind. Promise never to say these things to yourself again. A good friend would never say these things to you, and right now, you need to be a best friend to yourself.

<strong>Never say:</strong>

1. “He loves her more than me.”

2. “OMG, he has changed! Why couldn’t he be different for me?”

3. “I am going to be alone for the rest of my life.”

4. “The best part of my life is over.”
<strong>Say instead:</strong>

<strong>1. “His life today has nothing to do with ‘how much’ he loved me.”</strong> Love cannot be measured. There is no more or less when it comes to love — love is love. Love comes in different forms, so if your former partner is in a new relationship, their love is different than yours, but would you want it to be the same? When you compare you always lose. Comparison is a toxic habit. Don’t take it up. Focus on yourself and what you are creating for your life today.

<strong>2. “We weren’t the right fit anymore, and that’s okay.”</strong> Sure he may have changed some since you ended it — let’s hope going through something as major as a divorce woke him up a little. But here’s what you need to remember: At the core, he still is who he was with you, and that wasn’t what <em>you</em> really wanted or needed. If he was, the relationship would have been enough for you, and it wasn’t. It’s okay that you weren’t the right fit anymore. Better to stop trying to put a round peg in a square hole and get on with finding the best relationship for the great life you want to create for yourself. This is your life, and you are the only one who can make sure it’s great.

<strong>3. “I am never really alone. There’s lots of love in the world if I open my heart to receive it.”</strong>There is nothing lonelier than being in a relationship that is void of affection, intimacy and deep connection. If that describes your past relationship, you’ve already experienced loneliness at a level that you never have to again. Understand that the most important relationship in your life is the one you have with yourself and you’ll never feel lonely again. If you aren’t having a loving, awesome relationship with yourself, now is a great time to start. Not to mention there are all kinds of healthy sources of love in the world just waiting for you — pets, children, friends, flowers, kind strangers, dancing and spiritual centers, to name a few.

<strong>4. “One chapter of my life is complete and I have the power to write the next chapter however I want.”</strong> You have the power to control your own life, and no man can tell you how to live it. This is exciting, but you must be willing to step into your own self-empowerment. Sure, grieve the end of a chapter. Then get on to writing the next one. Spend the afternoon at a café or in your home or out in nature writing about what this next storyline will entail. Dream big.

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